Don’t be a scary old guy: My 40s survival strategy with charm
Hi, it’s Takuya.
Last week I had my birthday and turned 41 (November 19th).
When I was younger, I could never really picture what life in my 40s would look like. It’s this vague age where you don’t have a clear image of how you’re supposed to live, right? Even if I try to look back at my dad at this age, he was always at work during the day, so he’s not much of a reference.
I make a living as an indie developer, and thanks to what I built up through my 20s and 30s, I can live the way I do now. Compared to a typical Japanese salaryman, I can join childcare much more flexibly, and I get to spend a lot of time with my kid. I’ve even made some “mom friends (mama-tomo)” at kindergarten.
In this post, I'd like to share my survival strategy for the 40s. As the title says, the conclusion is: “charm” — being warm and approachable.
Let me explain why I think this kind of charm matters so much for middle-aged men.
TL;DR
- “You’ve got presence” just means “You look older now.”
- Make a smile. A grumpy middle-aged guy is just scary
- Be humble. The more achievements you stack, the more people shrink back
- Use the charm of contrast
“You’ve got presence” just means “You look older now.”
For students, guys in their 40s are full-on old dudes. At least that’s how I saw them. It’s basically the age of school teachers.
When I hit my late 30s, people around me started to say things like:
“You’ve got kanroku now.”
In Japanese, kanroku means something like “gravitas” or “presence.”
And no, they didn’t mean my belly was growing.
At first, I secretly thought:
“Finally, my life experience is starting to radiate as an aura!”
…but over time I realized that wasn’t it at all. It simply meant: I got older.
In other words, “You’ve aged,” “You look older now,” wrapped in the most positive wording possible.
I mean, think about it. What even is “aura,” really? lol
If I’ve really built up so much life experience, why am I still getting scolded by kindergarten teachers for being late to the bus pick-up? It doesn’t feel like I’m walking around radiating some wise, dignified aura.
Make a smile. A grumpy middle-aged guy is just scary
Having gravitas doesn’t actually help you that much. If a middle-aged guy is frowning, shoulders slumped, walking around with a dark cloud over him, you just want to keep your distance, right?
If you wrap yourself in charm instead, you can cancel out like half of that rough “old guy presence.”
I used to work part-time at a café. When I asked the manager why he decided to hire me, he said:
“Because your smile was good.”
On YouTube as well, I try to make a smile in my videos. A smile is a key ingredient of charm.
To cancel out this heavy “presence,” I want to be even more intentional about smiling and staying approachable in my daily life.
Be humble. The more achievements you stack, the more people shrink back
If you just keep doing something for a long time, your achievements naturally pile up. And if you’re lucky, some of them end up being work that lots of people praise you for.
But then one day you realize: The friends who used to argue with you freely and push back hard are suddenly keeping their distance.
Indie dev is already lonely enough. But the more “achievements” you stack, the more your potential conversation partners quietly disappear.
I read somewhere that Hirohiko Araki, the manga artist behind JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure, once said that he’s become so successful and revered that people are now scared of him, and no one gives him advice anymore.
It makes sense. If you imagine giving feedback to a famous author or legendary director, it feels terrifying, right?
That’s why Araki-sensei apparently gets really happy when someone ignores that aura, doesn’t shrink back, and just casually says what they think.
From what I’ve seen of him on TV and such, he seems full of charm. He smiles, teaches kids, and comes across as very gentle and kind. He’s a great example. If even someone like him still gets put on a pedestal and loses people to bounce ideas off, I absolutely have no business acting all high and mighty.
Use the charm of contrast
The more serious and stern someone looks, the more powerful their smile becomes. That contrast is what makes it hit. In Japanese, we even have a word for this: gap moe(ギャップ萌え) — the charm that comes from an unexpected contrast in someone’s personality or appearance.
Take guitarist Eddie Van Halen, for example:
When I picture an amazing guitarist, I tend to imagine someone completely lost in their own world, making intense faces while they play.
But Eddie often turns to the crowd and smiles, clearly trying to entertain and enjoy it with them. That attitude is incredibly likeable.
Programmers are a good example of a job that’s hard for people to picture. When mom friends ask what I do and I say:
“I’m a programmer.”
I often get:
“Ah, I don’t really know much about computers…”
It’s not that they’re rejecting it; they just can’t imagine what I actually do, so they don’t know how to respond. The fewer shared reference points you have with someone, the more important it is to approach them with a soft, relaxed attitude. You don’t have to explain everything in detail. If they can at least feel that “he seems to enjoy his work and looks like he’s having fun,” that’s more than enough.
So that’s what I want to value in my 40s.
Lately, I’ve been feeling like younger people show me more respect than before. Precisely because of that, this is the time to not act superior, but instead live humbly and gently. I want to keep learning from younger generations and be inspired by them. I want to stay in touch with new values and cultures all the time. To do that, I have to break through the “gravitas” barrier myself. And I think charm is essential for that.
If you’re around my age, what do you want to value in your life?
I’d love to hear.
Here’s to good 40s for all of us!
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